Baby Loss…..

So, I’ve not posted in about a week. I was given some surprising news that I needed some time to reflect on before sharing with the world. I realised maybe sharing with the world is cathartic and may help heal the wound that’s gaping open and bleeding heavily….. we all know by now I’m dramatic.

I’ve been trying for a baby with my husband for nearly 5 years. In that time I have suffered 6 losses, one was before we even started trying and I was on contraceptives. You can imagine how easy I though pregnancy would greet me….. how wrong I was.

The latest loss happened back in February, this was the first pregnancy that started smoothly, standard missed period, positive pregnancy test. The agonising wait for the blood hcg levels to double. The happiness I felt when my morning sickness started and finally the first scan to confirm the baby was in the right place and seeing the heart beat working away. It was a surreal few weeks, I was happy and in a pregnancy bubble buying all the magazines and adding all the apps.

As I have a history of miscarriage and am high risk due to my dwarfism, I was getting scans every two weeks. At my 10week scan I took my mum along and was excited for her to see her first grandchild. The last few days my morning sickness had eased and my pregnancy insomnia (a real thing btw) disappeared. I remember telling my mum not to get too excited about it and as I led down for the scan, I glanced at the screen and knew instantly I had lost the baby, the image was so still and the room went quiet. I was asked to empty my bladder and they would check internally to confirm. My mum was ushered behind the curtain and the sonographer confirmed that I had indeed lost the baby.

I was ushered with my mum into a room and told to wait for the nurse to come out. I was given a sweet cup of tea and then some paperwork, I was going through a missed miscarriage and needed surgery. I remember calling my husband, I wasn’t upset, I was relaying what happened. As this was a Friday, I would have to wait until Monday for the surgery, which was fine and in all honesty I can understand why the NHS want to become a 7 day week, not a mon – fri which it is currently.

On Friday afternoon on my way home, I popped to see my sister to break the news. I had my youngest dog with me Marney, before I got inside Marney houdinied out her collar and scarpered. That whole day and night I spent looking for her alone and upset at the fact it was cold, dark and wet and I didn’t know where she was. Over the course of the weekend I spent from 4am – midnight looking for her, postering, calling, searching. Luckilly I had some help from 2 people who were experienced in looking for a lost dog. On the Monday I went in for surgery and got out of theatre at 4pm. At 5.20pm I was out in the car going to give a quick look for Marney on our way home.

I remember arguing with Ben about where to park and how to get to where her last sighting was, I was still groggy and in a lot of pain. As we got out the car we both heard a noise and looked at each other screaming at the other to shut up. I shone a torch in the direction of the noise and guess what, Marney was behind a fence trying to come towards us. We had found her, I can’t tell you how relieved I was, especially as it meant I could finally rest and recover from my surgery.

As this was my third confirmed miscarriage at the same hospital, they said they would send the remains for testing to see if there was a reason I lost the baby. Despite the fact I don’t smoke, didn’t drink a drop, limited my caffeine intake, ate healthily, didn’t lift, walk to far and practically gave myself bed rest due I still felt guilty that I could of done something to prevent it.

Last week I had my appointment with the specialist and he told me I shouldn’t worry, every loss before 12 weeks is chromosomal and sometimes we never know why. As he looked at the results his face dropped slightly, I had lost my daughter to Trisomy 21. Later that day I cried, I cried hysterically. I lost my daughter to something thousands of children are born with every year. I lost my daughter, the first girl that would of been in my husbands family. The first grandchild in my family. I was finally able to mourn the loss of my child.

Today we had yet more blood tests to see if one of us is a carrier for Trisomy, which is when the baby receives an extra set of chromosomes and is more commonly known as down syndrome. I won’t lie, of course I was in complete shock that this happened, I mean my husband is a carrier for a rare syndrome and I of course have Achondroplasia, which is also chromosomal. So to have lost my baby to something else was surprising, I naturally punish myself by looking at photos at the stage my baby would be in now, next year, 5 years from now.

I hope the path to having children will become less challenging now I have a specialist on the case. The next step is the 8wk wait for the results and where we’ll go from there.

 

 

 

 

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What an interesting 24hrs…….

The last 24hrs have consisted of me educating a celebrity comedian on the word ‘midget’, getting a root canal, being stuck in a heath fire and booking my first stall selling my home made dog treats.

Comedian – It started last night when I was procrastinating on my daily tasks and came across someones insta story with a ‘midget’ joke in it. For those that haven’t followed my previous postings, I am 4ft 2in and have a form of dwarfism called Achondroplasisa. The word ‘midget’ is offensive to us little folk. The correct terminology is person with dwarfism or little person. I messaged said person and explained the above, he was very polite and actually apologised at the joke and explained he was trying do a ‘Ricky Gervais’ joke, you know the offensive ones people are meant to find funny, because he’s funny. I did reply that Ricky was slightly overrated and explained despite the slightly offensive joke his tickets are a lot cheaper than Ricky’s. I have no doubt that it will end up being turned into more of a joke, but at least that is one more person that is educated on the offensive word ‘midget’

Dentist drama: I had to go into the dentist for a routine filling, after having not gone to the dentist for a good ten years as the last person I saw bodged my teeth up so badly. So obviously I needed a bit of work doing and this was appointment four of four to get everything finished in time for Thailand for work – that’s another blog post in itself. My appointment was first after they had opened back up for lunch and as he walked in the waiting room, I did that presumptuous thing of getting up, only he wasn’t seeing me first but someone else before me….. you know the bit where you want the ground to swallow you up? – Yeap that was deffo me earlier, a good 20min went by and I was up, my dentist is lovely, good bedside manner, not bad to look at, caring etc etc. Anyway the routine filling I had done last week needed to be redone into a root canal….. I swear to god it felt like he extracted my tooth out by the root and chucked it back up there…. now the anaesthetic has worn off, the bit by my nose is killing, adding to my theory he took my tooth out and rammed it back up there. (I had my eyes closed 80% of the time, hate dentists, hate noisy drills, hate teeth, hate life you get the drift) oh and now I need another appointment at the dentist.

Dog Treats: I love dogs, its not secret that my desire is to one day own a home big enough to own a little rescue centre for them. I have a husky and a Manchester terrier who I believe at times are setting out to either give me a nervous breakdown or send me to an early death…. no I’m not dramatic either. I went to a local fare in May and bought some dog treats for all the dogs, it was 3 bags for £5 and each bag contained 4 medium sized homemade dog biscuits. My husky took one look and basically told me where to shove it, the terrier decided that she would make do with them as I wasn’t offering an alternative. I decided then I was going to launch my dog biscuit company. This was an idea I’ve had since May, we are nearing the end of June and I have done fu89k all with the idea apart from think of flavours and buy a set of cookie cutters. – great work

My sister sells a lot of crafts, she also hoards a lot of crap too and she is having a clear out and selling some crafts at a stall in two weeks time, me in my infinite wisdom have decided to join her and sell my biscuits. The flavours I am doing are plain, sausage, tuna, cheese & potato and chicken flavoured biscuits. I will also be making sausage balls which are such a pain in the asse to make, but my mums dog goes crazy for them so I have to make them in the hopes someone else’s dogs would love them too. Fingers crossed I sell enough to a) make a profit b) actually get my idea off the underground c) get to meet lots of dogs of the four feet kind.

So to end my exciting edge of your seat day I drive home and bam I’m stuck in 7miles of traffic in 25c heat with no air conditioning or any air as my car is a heap of sh1t and wondering whether or not my dogs would manage for a few more hours alone because they’ve been on their own for four hours now and that makes me a bad dog parent. The RSPCA will be waiting to take them away from me when I eventually get home, we’d have to move because the shame would be to much. Anyway after being stuck for over an hour crawling, stopping, moving, stopping, stopping, crawling, stopped and moving again. I finally made it home two hours after I set off on a 45min journey. You’ll be pleased to know that the dogs were fine and asleep, the RSPCA wasn’t waiting for me when I got home, meaning I don’t have to move house for fear of being shamed out the area. The husky also ate both treats out my handbag when I raced to the bathroom for a wee, the terrier has repaid the favour by stealing the husky’s bone and is happily decimating it right next to me on my lovely previously clean sofa!

Here’s hoping the next 24hrs are just as adventurous….. Xx

 

It’s Been a While……

So, my laptop got nicked out my car…. well I think it was my car. I lost it a while and haven’t found it and never lock my car as its a heap of crap and the remote central locking is broken. So I’ve borrowed my sisters laptop for now with the promise to either lock my car or take it out wherever I go, I’m hoping she wont ask for it back but hey ho we can all be wishful thinkers.

I haven’t updated my blog in a while it turns out. This is for a few reasons, 1- see above paragraph, 2- my blog was hijacked by someone trying to sell stuff, I don’t know why or how ( I invested £10 in a ‘how to’ book in the hopes of finding out) 3- life.

I also need to recover my icloud account (which takes days according to apple) so I can access my photos in order to try and make this blog a little more intresting…. ( insert laughing emoji here) – This netbook I’m using relies solely on the internet, which means I am procrastinating like a goodun until one day my life falls into place or I win the lottery!