Baby Loss…..

So, I’ve not posted in about a week. I was given some surprising news that I needed some time to reflect on before sharing with the world. I realised maybe sharing with the world is cathartic and may help heal the wound that’s gaping open and bleeding heavily….. we all know by now I’m dramatic.

I’ve been trying for a baby with my husband for nearly 5 years. In that time I have suffered 6 losses, one was before we even started trying and I was on contraceptives. You can imagine how easy I though pregnancy would greet me….. how wrong I was.

The latest loss happened back in February, this was the first pregnancy that started smoothly, standard missed period, positive pregnancy test. The agonising wait for the blood hcg levels to double. The happiness I felt when my morning sickness started and finally the first scan to confirm the baby was in the right place and seeing the heart beat working away. It was a surreal few weeks, I was happy and in a pregnancy bubble buying all the magazines and adding all the apps.

As I have a history of miscarriage and am high risk due to my dwarfism, I was getting scans every two weeks. At my 10week scan I took my mum along and was excited for her to see her first grandchild. The last few days my morning sickness had eased and my pregnancy insomnia (a real thing btw) disappeared. I remember telling my mum not to get too excited about it and as I led down for the scan, I glanced at the screen and knew instantly I had lost the baby, the image was so still and the room went quiet. I was asked to empty my bladder and they would check internally to confirm. My mum was ushered behind the curtain and the sonographer confirmed that I had indeed lost the baby.

I was ushered with my mum into a room and told to wait for the nurse to come out. I was given a sweet cup of tea and then some paperwork, I was going through a missed miscarriage and needed surgery. I remember calling my husband, I wasn’t upset, I was relaying what happened. As this was a Friday, I would have to wait until Monday for the surgery, which was fine and in all honesty I can understand why the NHS want to become a 7 day week, not a mon – fri which it is currently.

On Friday afternoon on my way home, I popped to see my sister to break the news. I had my youngest dog with me Marney, before I got inside Marney houdinied out her collar and scarpered. That whole day and night I spent looking for her alone and upset at the fact it was cold, dark and wet and I didn’t know where she was. Over the course of the weekend I spent from 4am – midnight looking for her, postering, calling, searching. Luckilly I had some help from 2 people who were experienced in looking for a lost dog. On the Monday I went in for surgery and got out of theatre at 4pm. At 5.20pm I was out in the car going to give a quick look for Marney on our way home.

I remember arguing with Ben about where to park and how to get to where her last sighting was, I was still groggy and in a lot of pain. As we got out the car we both heard a noise and looked at each other screaming at the other to shut up. I shone a torch in the direction of the noise and guess what, Marney was behind a fence trying to come towards us. We had found her, I can’t tell you how relieved I was, especially as it meant I could finally rest and recover from my surgery.

As this was my third confirmed miscarriage at the same hospital, they said they would send the remains for testing to see if there was a reason I lost the baby. Despite the fact I don’t smoke, didn’t drink a drop, limited my caffeine intake, ate healthily, didn’t lift, walk to far and practically gave myself bed rest due I still felt guilty that I could of done something to prevent it.

Last week I had my appointment with the specialist and he told me I shouldn’t worry, every loss before 12 weeks is chromosomal and sometimes we never know why. As he looked at the results his face dropped slightly, I had lost my daughter to Trisomy 21. Later that day I cried, I cried hysterically. I lost my daughter to something thousands of children are born with every year. I lost my daughter, the first girl that would of been in my husbands family. The first grandchild in my family. I was finally able to mourn the loss of my child.

Today we had yet more blood tests to see if one of us is a carrier for Trisomy, which is when the baby receives an extra set of chromosomes and is more commonly known as down syndrome. I won’t lie, of course I was in complete shock that this happened, I mean my husband is a carrier for a rare syndrome and I of course have Achondroplasia, which is also chromosomal. So to have lost my baby to something else was surprising, I naturally punish myself by looking at photos at the stage my baby would be in now, next year, 5 years from now.

I hope the path to having children will become less challenging now I have a specialist on the case. The next step is the 8wk wait for the results and where we’ll go from there.

 

 

 

 

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