Today, I can!

So today has been a funny old day, I swear I never wake up and have a normal day. If I ever did I think that’s when life would be boring. Today I released my idea to the world, ok maybe not the world, but to a bunch of ladies. I’ve had two people show some great support, which has been lovely.

I know I’ve been going on a bit recently in previous posts about pregnancy and loss etc. Bet you can’t guess what my business idea is related to? – Fertility, yeap!

The most cliché saying I thought I heard in my life was ‘when you do something you love, it’s not work’ it’s actually quite true. I have been doing a couple of hours each day and this has become my main focus project. I’m excited about the future and to see how far it could go. If it doesn’t get off the ground, at least I’ve tried! What’s the other saying, it’s better to try and fail, than never try at all!

Today I’m positive, I hope this will be the future of me!

Now I’ve got to clean the house from top to bottom as the estate agent is coming to take the photos of the house, so it can officially go on the market! – Exciting times!

Finding Magic….

Again, I know I haven’t updated in a while. I don’t actually know if anyone reads the shite I post but it’s a cathartic endeavour, so needlessly I will continue.

The last few weeks have been a tough old journey, I’ve put our house on the market, the one I’ve spent the last 4 months working tirelessly to fix up. The one I swore blind I’d never live in. I have even grown quite attached to it and actually gutted we’re moving. We are hidden away in Bournemouth but still in the main hub. 4 miles from the centre, equal distance to Christchurch, Southbourne, Castlepoint, Boscombe. Couldn’t get a better location, but we’re relocating to be nearer Ben’s son, which I am looking forward to and I may actually make friends and everything there.

This was a buy to let property, we downsized from a three bed to this maisonette, I think that’s French for incredibly small. Anyway, we’ve only been here 4months and it really is too small for us all to live in. Me, Ben and two dogs, plus my step son every other weekend, Deffo impractical, so it has to go.

I’m also working on two additional projects which is taking all available brain time, which hasn’t helped the fact that my family, which may I remind you all only consists of 2 other people, my mother and sister. My sister has Asperger’s and she really attaches herself to other people and absorbs their opinions. So she’s practically disowned me for over something or another, which has totally killed my mojo. Like dead in the water. My ‘neutral’ mum has taken her side, (they do live in the same house, so kinda understandable) and for the first time in my life I’ve felt totally alone.

My baby would be due in 4wks 4 days and I’m deffo feeling it at the moment, it’s funny how you realise nobody really cares about you or your problems, but you don’t realise it’s not there until you need it. I’ll survive and be ok, will just plough on with my projects and continue trying to look after myself. – I’ve always been the dramatic type.

 

 

Baby Loss…..

So, I’ve not posted in about a week. I was given some surprising news that I needed some time to reflect on before sharing with the world. I realised maybe sharing with the world is cathartic and may help heal the wound that’s gaping open and bleeding heavily….. we all know by now I’m dramatic.

I’ve been trying for a baby with my husband for nearly 5 years. In that time I have suffered 6 losses, one was before we even started trying and I was on contraceptives. You can imagine how easy I though pregnancy would greet me….. how wrong I was.

The latest loss happened back in February, this was the first pregnancy that started smoothly, standard missed period, positive pregnancy test. The agonising wait for the blood hcg levels to double. The happiness I felt when my morning sickness started and finally the first scan to confirm the baby was in the right place and seeing the heart beat working away. It was a surreal few weeks, I was happy and in a pregnancy bubble buying all the magazines and adding all the apps.

As I have a history of miscarriage and am high risk due to my dwarfism, I was getting scans every two weeks. At my 10week scan I took my mum along and was excited for her to see her first grandchild. The last few days my morning sickness had eased and my pregnancy insomnia (a real thing btw) disappeared. I remember telling my mum not to get too excited about it and as I led down for the scan, I glanced at the screen and knew instantly I had lost the baby, the image was so still and the room went quiet. I was asked to empty my bladder and they would check internally to confirm. My mum was ushered behind the curtain and the sonographer confirmed that I had indeed lost the baby.

I was ushered with my mum into a room and told to wait for the nurse to come out. I was given a sweet cup of tea and then some paperwork, I was going through a missed miscarriage and needed surgery. I remember calling my husband, I wasn’t upset, I was relaying what happened. As this was a Friday, I would have to wait until Monday for the surgery, which was fine and in all honesty I can understand why the NHS want to become a 7 day week, not a mon – fri which it is currently.

On Friday afternoon on my way home, I popped to see my sister to break the news. I had my youngest dog with me Marney, before I got inside Marney houdinied out her collar and scarpered. That whole day and night I spent looking for her alone and upset at the fact it was cold, dark and wet and I didn’t know where she was. Over the course of the weekend I spent from 4am – midnight looking for her, postering, calling, searching. Luckilly I had some help from 2 people who were experienced in looking for a lost dog. On the Monday I went in for surgery and got out of theatre at 4pm. At 5.20pm I was out in the car going to give a quick look for Marney on our way home.

I remember arguing with Ben about where to park and how to get to where her last sighting was, I was still groggy and in a lot of pain. As we got out the car we both heard a noise and looked at each other screaming at the other to shut up. I shone a torch in the direction of the noise and guess what, Marney was behind a fence trying to come towards us. We had found her, I can’t tell you how relieved I was, especially as it meant I could finally rest and recover from my surgery.

As this was my third confirmed miscarriage at the same hospital, they said they would send the remains for testing to see if there was a reason I lost the baby. Despite the fact I don’t smoke, didn’t drink a drop, limited my caffeine intake, ate healthily, didn’t lift, walk to far and practically gave myself bed rest due I still felt guilty that I could of done something to prevent it.

Last week I had my appointment with the specialist and he told me I shouldn’t worry, every loss before 12 weeks is chromosomal and sometimes we never know why. As he looked at the results his face dropped slightly, I had lost my daughter to Trisomy 21. Later that day I cried, I cried hysterically. I lost my daughter to something thousands of children are born with every year. I lost my daughter, the first girl that would of been in my husbands family. The first grandchild in my family. I was finally able to mourn the loss of my child.

Today we had yet more blood tests to see if one of us is a carrier for Trisomy, which is when the baby receives an extra set of chromosomes and is more commonly known as down syndrome. I won’t lie, of course I was in complete shock that this happened, I mean my husband is a carrier for a rare syndrome and I of course have Achondroplasia, which is also chromosomal. So to have lost my baby to something else was surprising, I naturally punish myself by looking at photos at the stage my baby would be in now, next year, 5 years from now.

I hope the path to having children will become less challenging now I have a specialist on the case. The next step is the 8wk wait for the results and where we’ll go from there.

 

 

 

 

What an interesting 24hrs…….

The last 24hrs have consisted of me educating a celebrity comedian on the word ‘midget’, getting a root canal, being stuck in a heath fire and booking my first stall selling my home made dog treats.

Comedian – It started last night when I was procrastinating on my daily tasks and came across someones insta story with a ‘midget’ joke in it. For those that haven’t followed my previous postings, I am 4ft 2in and have a form of dwarfism called Achondroplasisa. The word ‘midget’ is offensive to us little folk. The correct terminology is person with dwarfism or little person. I messaged said person and explained the above, he was very polite and actually apologised at the joke and explained he was trying do a ‘Ricky Gervais’ joke, you know the offensive ones people are meant to find funny, because he’s funny. I did reply that Ricky was slightly overrated and explained despite the slightly offensive joke his tickets are a lot cheaper than Ricky’s. I have no doubt that it will end up being turned into more of a joke, but at least that is one more person that is educated on the offensive word ‘midget’

Dentist drama: I had to go into the dentist for a routine filling, after having not gone to the dentist for a good ten years as the last person I saw bodged my teeth up so badly. So obviously I needed a bit of work doing and this was appointment four of four to get everything finished in time for Thailand for work – that’s another blog post in itself. My appointment was first after they had opened back up for lunch and as he walked in the waiting room, I did that presumptuous thing of getting up, only he wasn’t seeing me first but someone else before me….. you know the bit where you want the ground to swallow you up? – Yeap that was deffo me earlier, a good 20min went by and I was up, my dentist is lovely, good bedside manner, not bad to look at, caring etc etc. Anyway the routine filling I had done last week needed to be redone into a root canal….. I swear to god it felt like he extracted my tooth out by the root and chucked it back up there…. now the anaesthetic has worn off, the bit by my nose is killing, adding to my theory he took my tooth out and rammed it back up there. (I had my eyes closed 80% of the time, hate dentists, hate noisy drills, hate teeth, hate life you get the drift) oh and now I need another appointment at the dentist.

Dog Treats: I love dogs, its not secret that my desire is to one day own a home big enough to own a little rescue centre for them. I have a husky and a Manchester terrier who I believe at times are setting out to either give me a nervous breakdown or send me to an early death…. no I’m not dramatic either. I went to a local fare in May and bought some dog treats for all the dogs, it was 3 bags for £5 and each bag contained 4 medium sized homemade dog biscuits. My husky took one look and basically told me where to shove it, the terrier decided that she would make do with them as I wasn’t offering an alternative. I decided then I was going to launch my dog biscuit company. This was an idea I’ve had since May, we are nearing the end of June and I have done fu89k all with the idea apart from think of flavours and buy a set of cookie cutters. – great work

My sister sells a lot of crafts, she also hoards a lot of crap too and she is having a clear out and selling some crafts at a stall in two weeks time, me in my infinite wisdom have decided to join her and sell my biscuits. The flavours I am doing are plain, sausage, tuna, cheese & potato and chicken flavoured biscuits. I will also be making sausage balls which are such a pain in the asse to make, but my mums dog goes crazy for them so I have to make them in the hopes someone else’s dogs would love them too. Fingers crossed I sell enough to a) make a profit b) actually get my idea off the underground c) get to meet lots of dogs of the four feet kind.

So to end my exciting edge of your seat day I drive home and bam I’m stuck in 7miles of traffic in 25c heat with no air conditioning or any air as my car is a heap of sh1t and wondering whether or not my dogs would manage for a few more hours alone because they’ve been on their own for four hours now and that makes me a bad dog parent. The RSPCA will be waiting to take them away from me when I eventually get home, we’d have to move because the shame would be to much. Anyway after being stuck for over an hour crawling, stopping, moving, stopping, stopping, crawling, stopped and moving again. I finally made it home two hours after I set off on a 45min journey. You’ll be pleased to know that the dogs were fine and asleep, the RSPCA wasn’t waiting for me when I got home, meaning I don’t have to move house for fear of being shamed out the area. The husky also ate both treats out my handbag when I raced to the bathroom for a wee, the terrier has repaid the favour by stealing the husky’s bone and is happily decimating it right next to me on my lovely previously clean sofa!

Here’s hoping the next 24hrs are just as adventurous….. Xx

 

It’s Been a While……

So, my laptop got nicked out my car…. well I think it was my car. I lost it a while and haven’t found it and never lock my car as its a heap of crap and the remote central locking is broken. So I’ve borrowed my sisters laptop for now with the promise to either lock my car or take it out wherever I go, I’m hoping she wont ask for it back but hey ho we can all be wishful thinkers.

I haven’t updated my blog in a while it turns out. This is for a few reasons, 1- see above paragraph, 2- my blog was hijacked by someone trying to sell stuff, I don’t know why or how ( I invested £10 in a ‘how to’ book in the hopes of finding out) 3- life.

I also need to recover my icloud account (which takes days according to apple) so I can access my photos in order to try and make this blog a little more intresting…. ( insert laughing emoji here) – This netbook I’m using relies solely on the internet, which means I am procrastinating like a goodun until one day my life falls into place or I win the lottery!

 

My Dog ( and sister)

Today I came across a forum I’m subscribed to on facebook for dog training etc. It’s one of them I look at and wonder why all these people are complaining about there dogs, if only that was the only problem my dog had…. maybe if I wasn’t so soft they wouldn’t walk all over me….. literally!!!

Anyway the subject was counter surfing and how this lady had a problem with her dog surfing and pulling anything off the side down. Now I can certainly sympathise, my husky in the picture above is a counter surfer and after 5yrs still does it. I am 4ft 2, so putting things out of reach of him is also putting them out of reach myself. My stool does come in very handy for that… and putting meat to defrost in the oven. However he has learned to climb and balance on the stool and open the oven door. So I had to buy a microwave and that is now where I keep any meat I need defrosting.

The latest victim to my dog was a cherry pie that was cooked to perfection and cooling down in the oven, when himself came to serving it up, the oven door was open and there were remenants of cherry in every crevis and on the floor. He deffo keeps us on our toes.

I do want to stress I love him dearly and for all his traits and flaws, he’s still perfect. When he escapes less frequent then it used to be, he always lets us know. At least three out of the 30 times he has escaped, he’s come to tell me he’s escaped. Literally escaped out of two houses back gardens and come through the front door to tell me he’s got out and then disappeared in the yonder. If you don’t give chase he catches you up, he never wonders too far. Don’t get me wrong he has killed numerous chickens, maimed a duck called pancake cook (I kid you not), chased sheep, tried to nip a cow, eaten a wall, and jumped into a filthy pond when he was freshly groomed. He’s been my rock, therapist, friend and has shown me loyalty.

He will never know the amount of love I have for him……

 

New Year’s………

We never ever do anything for New Years ever, well not since being together. I used to go out or have people round my house. Once we were going out with my friends, but himself was like, err I don’t want to be in a pub for New Year so we went for a walk around the town I lived in and since then we haven’t planned or done anything. Each year it comes around I say we are deffo doing something next year for New Years, each year comes around and we don’t do anything. Ideally I would love a late dinner with my family and friends and toast the New Year with full bellies and tired from all the laughing. There is always next year……..

This year we had the little Mr, who is actually taller than me…. it actually turned out quite nice, playing games on the playstation, we had our hot chocolates ready for the toast and he facetimed his mum at 11.55pm and I phoned my mum and sister on loudspeaker and we all watched Robbie Williams and the countdown and fireworks of Big Ben. So not too distant to my dream New Year’s eve really.

I haven’t got any resolutions this year, I will try and focus on being more positive as having anxiety tends to suck the positivity of most situations. Blog more and focus on doing things for myself. I made the biggest purchase of my life to treat myself, a pair of uggs. They were £120 on amazon, so I checked their website and I bought 3 pairs for the same price! there is my logic right there! OMG I don’t want to wear them or get the dirty or wear them out. They are packed neatly away in there boxes apart from one pair I am taking to Andorra next week. I can’t ski because or my back, so just going to mooch and have a wander round the country for 1 week! I hear the shopping mal and spa resort are a must……

 

Happy New Year Everyone!

Christmas…

Christmas was deffo eventful as per usual. My family consists of 3 people, my mum, me and my sister. That’s it, sure I have aunts and uncles on my mums side. Nobody at all on my dads side, not even my dad. So we tend to do things as a 3 a lot. We are especially close.

This year I was invited with him to his son’s Christmas morning opening presents. We have been together 6.5yrs and his son is 8. It was the first Christmas I had seen him open the presents we got him, also the first year we didn’t get the big presents. (sod’s law) – yeah don’t bother coming next Christmas I’m sure he’s thinking….

So we decided to do things a little different, in previous years I have spent Christmas morning with my family, cooking them Christmas dinner, having starters before heading to his parents in the late afternoon, early evening and eating dinner there. This year was different, I decided to cook Christmas dinner on Christmas eve as we were leaving at 7am the following morning and not coming back till late as we were heading straight to his parents for the afternoon. It’s a 2hr drive from our house to his parents house, but 1hr from his son’s to his parents. So we got there at 2pm and left around 8.30pm. I left a little abruptly, but I had pre warned everyone I was going at 8pm and we were seeing them all the following day as it’s my bro in laws birthday and we were all going out for a meal and my mum and sister had been alone all day.

So we got home just after 10.30pm and spent the rest of the evening opening our presents from my family and him. It was nice to get into bed on Christmas evening and have a lie in on boxing day, it was the first time I had relaxed since his birthday.

Coincidently this is the only picture I really took over Christmas,  I was enjoying the moments as opposed to capturing them. We didn’t plan or realise we had matching black polo necks on! :’)

 

The Birthday’s Now Over

So if you follow my blog, you’ll see that I was stressing like crazy over his 30th birthday…. glad to say that as well as Christmas and New year is now over. The final plan for his birthday worked out to cover 30 presents and things over 3 days. Notice a theme here?

The first day was Ricky Gervais in Bournemouth as well as dinner in his favourite restaurant. We were meant to stay at his Aunt’s house in Bournemouth but ended up staying at his bro’s house. We literally went to bed at 3am and was up and out the house by 8am the following day.

The second day I took him to Milton Keynes to go skiing, bought him all the gear to go with it and we went and had a nosy round the shop, a meal out was meant to be at this renowened mediteranian restaurant and guess what… fully booked and couldn’t fit us in even for a takeaway. We ended up arguing over it… and I can’t even remember where we ate eventually.

His actual birthday was as eventful as the previous two days. Himself decided he didn’t want to spend the eve of his 30th at our house and instead wanted to go to a hotel cue a last minute change of plans and panic stations. I decided I was going to do a photo montage and needed to make it portable, so I cut out the 30 in cardboard,covered it and then cut the photos accordingly. Believe it or not it was a full afternoon’s work.

So I woke him up quite early bless him…. as we needed to be out by 8am. I gave him his presents and the 3rd of many envelopes. I treated him to a breakfast and spa package at the Lido Spa in Clifton. Reassured it was a heated outdoor pool, Jacuzzi, hot tub etc. Thought how perfect for the beginning of his 30th Year. The pool was a warm 25c, let me tell you on the 17th December in the bitter cold 25c is freezing. Not tepid, warm or inviting FREEZING. Now being a dwarf in a 5ft deep pool is hard work enough, being a dwarf in a freezing cold 5ft pool results in one length and I’m out. I spent the remainder of the morning in steam room, sauna and mainly hot tub, while himself flitted between all of them… he was a brave man that day!

The breakfast was to die for though and we remained sufficiently full for the following family activity or laser tag, which was hilarious. I was heading of straight after in order to decorate the table for his birthday meal which was Za Za’s in Bristol. It involved driving across town, anyway himself was pre occupied with the boys while I slipped away, his mum offered help which I accepted and then in order for her to come, she said to bring his Dad along who was driving, then that meant his sister and her husband had to come as they didn’t know where they were going. So what was meant to be me diving out of there ended up taking ages and being such an obvious kerfuffle.

You would think it would go smoothly there in… oh no my loves. His sister needed socks as she didn’t pack long enough ones I kid you not, chose that moment on the way to the car to look for socks. After not finding any in the first two shops and waiting a further 10 more min in another shops, I left them to it and headed straight to the restaurant. I was not letting my husband on his 30th birthday arrive to an undecorated table. I abandoned the car and rushed sweating my freshly made face to the restaurant and decorated 5 min before they arrived. His sister and the rest followed a full 10 min later. Thankfully I left and that was one drama over with.

So when Mr changed his mind on where he was staying on his birthday night, I informed everyone we would not be here and anyone that wanted to stay in out house was more than welcome. Apparently his sister didn’t get that message which she had replied to and ended up saying she had nowhere to stay that night. Well drama ensued and in the end I had to book them a hotel to stay in and it did detract slightly from his birthday….. Family eh!

Because the restaurant kicked us out quite early at 8pm. I was not informed it was a 2hr slot in the evening, I knew lunch was limited but not dinner. Anyhow it was sooo chaotic, we ended up being back in the hotel by 9pm. Not very rock and roll, in the end we drank his mini bar present and had a cigarette each by the lake the hotel had.

So that is now over for 10yrs before his 40th! 9 Years and 335ish days to recover!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas……

My Amazon basket currently contains £235.97’s worth of stuff…. my bank account doesn’t contain that much…..! The struggle is real people!

Yesterday we had a gas leak and I’m now paranoid I’m suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning….. I keep feeling sick and headachey when I am home, fine when I am out and that is a symptom in itself apparently… but I think it’s me being dramatic and I am just stressed with planning birthdays and Christmas.

My doctor has arranged me and urgent MRI scan on my back, which is in extreme pain….. oddly haven’t whinged about it recently, I have a prolapsed disc and spinal stenosis. I feel like I have done something to it on top of that though. I can’t do anything, sit, stand, lie, walk, bend…. literally it’s a permanent pain that doesn’t seem to shift. Anyway, it’ll get mended soon, physically and mentally can’t wait until my op on Monday. Only a little day procedure so in and out jobby!

Anyway I am off to eat some cottage pie and think of nice warm beaches…..